Never say what you’ll never do. I don’t sing and I don’t play the piano. In fact, when our kids were growing up and we gathered for nightly devotion, on at least one occasion, our daughter said, “Mom, do you have to sing?” Yes, in fact, I did, and I do. I can’t help it. Even though it may not sound good to anyone listening. I have the gift of music appreciation. Most people appreciate it most when I don’t sing very loudly.
I rarely went to church growing up, other than when my mom sent us down the street to get us out of the house on Sunday mornings or when my great aunt took us, or when we went to the Greek Orthodox, so I didn’t know many pastors wives before I became a Christian. The few I knew seemed perfect or at arm’s length.
I’m transparent by nature, and even in my baby book my mom wrote that I didn’t know a stranger and would pipe up with “hi” to everyone I saw. I don’t naturally keep people at arm’s length, but love inviting them in to my life, my home and my mess.
When I was in college and trying to decide on a major, my stepmom asked me what I wanted to do. As I shared how I wanted to share God’s love with hurting people, to encourage them, teach Bible studies, and open my home for gatherings and meals, she suggested maybe I should be a pastor’s wife.
My knee-jerk response was NO WAY!!!
I had so many preconceived notions about what that meant. So many stereotypes that I did NOT fit.
And anyway, it was a pretty ridiculous suggestion. I mean, we were talking about majors and careers. It wasn’t like even if I had ANY aspirations of being a pastor’s wife, I could have studied to become one. Mississippi State certainly didn’t offer classes to prepare women to be pastors’ wives. Does any school?
Honestly, knowing what I know now, it might not be a bad idea to offer some courses!!
The other thing is, even if I had wanted to be a pastor’s wife, which I most certainly did not, I would have had to marry a pastor! And I wasn’t dating anyone. What was I going to do? Advertise? Scope out guys who felt God’s call to ministry? Most of the guys I knew who felt called to ministry were kind of weird. And they weren’t very cute.
But God has a sense of humor. Never say what you’ll never do!
Being a Pastor’s Wife
One of the things I love most about Wally is how he so beautifully shows his love for the Lord in how he loves me. And one of the ways that love shines is his fervent commitment to following what God says about loving me like Jesus loved the church–so much that He was willing to die for her.
We are both so astounded at God’s love for us, that it makes us want to try to live by His Word–to see it not just as revealing how we are to know Him, but also how life works best.
The more we have studied God’s design for marriage, the more we have appreciated both of our roles and how they complement each other. He lovingly leads, cares for, and provides, as the head of our home, and I am his biggest cheerleader and helper.
There have been times when I made more money than he, like when we were in seminary, but the reality is that a man bears the weight of providing for his family. If they don’t have what they need, he bears the shame. And most men feel that burden in a way that I don’t think I’ll ever understand. When a man loses his job or struggles with work, I don’t think most of women get the double whammy that is–it’s not just about not having needs met–their manhood is also threatened. I began to appreciate the kind of beating a man will take to provide for his family when I watched the 2005 film, Cinderella Man. Strongly recommend.
So, my mindset as a pastor’s wife is really no different than God’s calling for any Christian wife. As Christian wives, God calls us to pray for our husbands, to respect them, (which means how we talk to them and about them), and when we disagree, to joyfully submit. That doesn’t mean we don’t clearly speak our minds. God gave us our minds! But just as any business or corporation has a CEO or president who is ultimately responsible, a wise one will value teamwork and the wisdom of those who know what he doesn’t, still, at the end of the day, IF there is disagreement, someone has to take the lead and make a decision. And God has called husbands to that role. I recognize that not all people agree with my perspective here. I know my view is more traditional and is certainly not “politically correct.” But I hope that more than being traditional, that my view is Biblical, and where it’s not, that God will reveal that to me also. And that is my encouragement for all of us as Christian wives–to seek to have God’s perspective as He has revealed it in His Word.
Whatever calling husbands have, wives are called to help their husbands.
In our situation, God called Wally to be a pastor, and He called me to be Wally’s wife–his helper in his calling. So, I love the way he put it one time when we interviewed with a church. He told them I am not a pastorette. That we are not both pastors. He is the pastor. I am hishelper. His wife.
That mindset has freed me from many of the expectations I thought came with the role. Rather than thinking about what anyone thinks of me as a pastor’s wife, I tend to focus mostly on helping and encouraging Wally.